Happy Father’s Day
Fathers are more than the bumbling fools the media and politicians paint us to be. We are much, much more. Happy Father’s Day
There were five defining moments in my life outside of being born: graduating high school, getting married, deploying to Iraq, becoming homeless, and my daughter being born. The most defining moment in my life was the birth of my daughter, she turned my life upside down.
I was 51 years old when my daughter was born. I had gone my whole life avoiding parenthood for one reason or another. Retirement was just around the corner, it was so close I could smell it. Then my wife uttered the two words that changed my life, “I’m pregnant.”
My days of sleeping in were dashed. Unplanned, last minute decisions to go to the beach were now out of the question. Giving up the extra bedroom that had slowly turned into a walk-in closet with a bed was slowly becoming a reality.
I remember back in the day making fun of my friends because they had to stay at home and do “parenting-things” whenever I was going on my vacation. They had to stay at home on Friday nights as I went to the club and stayed out until 4 am. Or, the baby seat that was always present in the back seat of their car or later on the mini van they drove their children around in to little league, dance lessons, piano lessons, etc.
Karma’s a bitch. Now I will be doing this, sooner or later.
My daughter was born one afternoon in September 2015, Justin Bieber was at the top of the music charts and Mad Max: Fury Road was the top movie of the month, no wonder she didn’t want to face reality. But, eventually the doctor’s intervened and a C-section was agreed on by my wife and her doctor.
My daughter taught me a lesson though. She made me realise why my father did things I didn’t understand and why he said the things he said. She made me realise why he drove that old 1972 Chevy Caprice with the rusted out floorboard and the vinyl top that was peeling.
She made me realise why he worked twenty years in the Air Force and a tour of Vietnam. Then moved on to a [another] miserable job at the Muskogee County Correctional Facility guarding prisoners after retiring from the Air Force. This was a job he truly detested yet he showed up everyday on time.
She made me realise why he always wore the same clothes all the time. Outside of his uniform, he wore a pair of battered jeans and a tee-shirt that usually had “Roll Tide” emblazoned on it. His jeans and tee-shirts were always topped off by a pair of black Air Force-era boots.
My father wasn't a perfect man—and neither am I—he's gone through a lot in life such as a tour of Vietnam in the 70s and the loss of two children through miscarriages. He didn’t have the socioeconomic status a lot of "smarter,” more "socially aware" fathers seemed to have, he was a hands on father. He grew up in an interesting time: in Montgomery during the Civil Rights movement—the 1950s.
My father wasn't a celebrated athlete, a powerful captain of industry, the hero of an action movie, or a charismatic leader of other men. You'll find that while those kinds of guys are cool, that's not what makes someone a great dad or a good man. My dad wasn't the undisputed master of his own destiny. But you'll find that nobody really is, and what matters is whether you can accept that with grace and respond with minimal whining.
We might not realize it now, or in the next few years, or even in the next decades, but our dads are trying their hardest to be the best fathers for us they can. They do it out of a very deep and very pure sense of love. Fathers must bear heartbreak and joy simultaneously as their son or daughter finds their way in the world. Having this understanding is something most can only have when they themselves are fathers, but we're examining it right now.
There's a quote that's associated with Mark Twain, "At the age of seventeen Mark says he thought his father the most ignorant man in all the world and just couldn’t stand him about. At the age of twenty-three he found that his father knew a few things and he could put up with him occasionally; at the age of twenty-seven he knew that his father was the smartest man in all the world and he just doted on having him about." That's especially true after you yourself become a father.
Before you were born, your parents in general and your father specifically weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes, driving you around, and being your personal chef.
Fatherhood will be very hard because as they say, children don't come with an instruction manual. And as you're raising your child from infant to child; child to teen; teen to adult; you'll face all the struggles your dad did. One day though you will realize he was actually a very smart, loving, and great man who sacrificed a lot just for you.
As a dad, obviously you have your own flaws since you're a person just like anyone else, but you'll be trying your hardest to give your kid the opportunities you didn't have growing up. Trying your best to raise them into the best and happiest and most successful kid they can be. Trying to give them everything you possibly can, because you love them completely and so, so deeply.
My father passed away after a long and strenuous fight for his mind; he died from complications from Alzheimer’s disease. It was a long battle and the worse part of it was he didn’t recognise his sons, we were just new acquaintances.
The lesson my daughter taught me is echoed by Pope John XXIII, he put it this way: "It is easier for a father to have children than for children to have a real father." When fathers have raised their kids, by hard work and good luck, to be upstanding, independent adults, they know that they have done their job.
Sunday is the day when children should take time to say "Thank you and I love you" in some way. May your Father's Day be filled with both gratitude and love.