Fatherhood: A Journey of Love, Sacrifice, and Life Lessons; Happy Father’s Day
Reflections on Being a Son and Becoming a Father
Happy Father’s Day
After being in broken relations after broken relationships I made a pact with myself. If I weren’t in a successful relationship by the time I was 50, I would give up on the idea of having a family of my own. I was married when I was 45 years old but no child.
One day my wife approached me waving a home pregnancy kit as she proclaimed, “I’m pregnant!” I told her that she needed to go to her GP to make certain she was pregnant. The next day she told me the GP verified the results of the home pregnancy kit. I missed my deadline by a thin margin.
I was 51 years old when my daughter was born. I had gone my whole life avoiding parenthood for one reason or another. Retirement was around the corner, it was so close I could smell it. Then my wife uttered the two words that changed my life, “I’m pregnant.”
My days of sleeping in were dashed. Unplanned, last-minute decisions to go to the beach were now out of the question. Giving up the extra bedroom that had, at a snail’s pace, turned into a walk-in closet with a bed was becoming a reality.
I remember back in the day making fun of my friends because they had to stay at home and do “parenting things” whenever I was going on vacation. They had to stay at home on Friday nights as I went to the club and stayed out until 4 a.m. Or, the baby seat that was always present in the back seat of their car or later on the minivan they drove their children around into little league, dance lessons, piano lessons, etc.
Karma’s a bitch. No more last-minute plans. No more staying out until all hours of the night. No more unplanned road trips.
My daughter was reluctantly born one afternoon in September 2015, Justin Bieber was at the top of the music charts, and Mad Max: Fury Road was the top movie of the month, no wonder she didn’t want to face reality. She didn’t want to face the world and I didn’t blame her.. Both the doctors and my wife agreed that a C-section was the way to go.
Throughout the years, my daughter taught me a lesson. She made me realize why my father did things I didn’t understand and why he said the things he did. She made me realize why he drove that old 1972 Chevy Caprice with the rusted-out floorboard and the vinyl top that was peeling.
She made me realize why he worked for 20 years and retired in the Air Force. He moved on to [another] miserable job at the Muskogee County Correctional Facility only to retire again. This was a job he truly detested yet he showed up every day on time. He then claimed his state pension and started a new job. He retired three times and worked until he passed away.
She made me realize why he always wore the same clothes. He wore a pair of battered jeans and a tee-shirt that had “Roll Tide” emblazoned on it. His jeans and tee shirts were always topped off by a pair of worn-out boots he wore from his time in the military. My daughter made me see the bigger picture when it came to fatherhood.
My father wasn't a perfect man and neither am I. He's gone through a lot in life, a tour of Vietnam in the 70s and the loss of his first two children. He didn’t have the socioeconomic status a lot of "smarter,” more "socially aware" fathers seemed to have, he was a hands-on father.
My father wasn't a celebrated athlete, a powerful captain of industry, the hero of an action movie, or a charismatic leader of other men. You'll find that while those kinds of guys are cool, that's not what makes someone a great dad or a good man. My father wasn't the undisputed master of his destiny. But you'll find that nobody is, and what matters is whether you can accept that with grace and respond with minimal whining.
We don’t realize it now, in the next few years, or even in the next decades, but our dads are trying their hardest to be the best fathers they can be. They do it out of a deep and very pure sense of love. Fathers must bear heartbreak and joy simultaneously as their children find their way in the world. Having this understanding is something you can only have when you become a father.
There's a quote that's associated with Mark Twain about being a father, "At the age of seventeen Mark says he thought his father the most ignorant man in all the world and just couldn’t stand him about. At the age of 23he found that his father knew a few things and he could put up with him occasionally; at the age of twenty-seven he knew that his father was the smartest man in all the world and he just doted on having him about."
Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes, driving you around, and being your chef. Raising a child takes a lot of time and energy to accomplish.
Fatherhood is hard because as they say, children don't come with an instruction manual. And as you're raising your child from infant to child; child to teen; teen to adult; you'll face all the struggles your dad did. One day though you will realize he was a smart, loving, and great man who sacrificed everything for you.
As a father, you have your flaws since you're a person, but you'll be trying your hardest to give your kid the opportunities you didn't have growing up. Try your best to raise them into the best, happiest, and most successful kids they can be. Trying to give them everything you possibly can, because you love them completely and so deeply.
My father passed away after a long and strenuous fight for his mind; he died from complications from Alzheimer’s disease. It was a long battle and the worst part of it was he didn’t recognize his sons, we were new acquaintances.
Even though he is gone, he isn’t forgotten. Fathers have a way of teaching their children life lessons. Some advice my father gave me was in the form of long-winded lectures, some through loving actions, and some with a stern look. Of course, their lessons don’t sink in until we become fathers ourselves.
It wasn’t until I had my own family that I had an epiphany. My epiphany? I was just like my father. I went without so my daughter could have the things she wanted and needed. My father had no life outside of work and I follow directly behind him in that aspect. All my money, time, and effort is spent on her.
The lesson my daughter taught me is echoed by Pope John XXIII, he put it this way: "It is easier for a father to have children than for children to have a real father." When fathers have raised their kids, through hard work and good luck, to be upstanding, independent adults, fathers will know that they’ve done their job.
Sunday is a day when children should take time out to say "Thank you and I love you" in some way. May your Father's Day be filled with both gratitude and love.
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